Hannah's Favorite Stories & Jokes

Time flies like an arrow.... Fruit flies like a banana.

To win a relay race, swimmers pool their efforts.

I wanted to learn how to make ice-cream, so I started attending sundae school.

A sandwich walks into a bar. The barman says, "Sorry, we don't serve food in here.

One frog croaks to the other, "Time’s fun when you’re having flies!"

The manager of the opera house couldn't find the key, so he had to break into song.

I can always tell when a train has been through town. I can see its tracks.

Three of my fingers are willing to write, but my thumb and forefinger are opposed.

I see said the blind man as he picked up his hammer and saw.

Did you know that there are 293 ways to make change for a dollar bill?

Birthday candles are for people who want to make light of their age.

Q. What has four legs and one arm?
A. A happy pit bull.

Q. Railroad crossing, look out for the cars! Can you spell it without any Rs?
A. it

Q. How do you catch a unique rabbit?
A. Unique up on it.

Q. How do you catch a tame rabbit?
A. Tame way, unique up on it.

Q. How do you get holy water?
A. You boil the hell out of it.

Q. What do fish say when they hit a concrete wall?
A. Dam!

Q. What do Eskimos get from sitting on the ice too long?
A. Polaroids.

Q. What do you call a boomerang that doesn't work?
A. A stick.

Q. What do you call cheese that isn't yours?
A. Nacho cheese.

Q. What do you get from a pampered cow?
A. Spoiled milk.

Q. What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire?
A. Frostbite.

Q. What's the difference between roast beef and pea soup?
A. Anyone can roast beef.

Q. Where do you find a dog with no legs?
A. Right where you left him.

Q. Why do gorillas have big nostrils?
A. Because they have big fingers.

Q. Why don't blind people like to sky dive?
A. Because it scares the dog.

Q. What kind of coffee was served on the Titanic?
A. Sanka.

Q. Why did pilgrims' pants always fall down?
A. Because they wore their belt buckles on their hats.

Q. Why didn't the skelton dance at the party?
A. He had no body to dance with.

Q. What do you call a goblin who gets too close to a bonfire?
A. A toasty ghosty?

Q. Where did the goblin throw the football?
A. Over the ghoul line.

Q. What did the hot dog say as he crossed the finish line first?
A. I'm the wiener.

Q. What did the Gingerbread Man put on his bed?
A. A cookie sheet.

Q. Which of Santa's reindeer needs to mind his manners?
A. "Rude"olph.

Now That's Funny

I went to the doctor yesterday, and he said that I was too fat! I said, I want a second opinion, and the doctor said okay: You are also ugly!!

Today is the international day of "The Very Good Looking, Beautiful and Really Attractive People." So please congratulate someone who you think fits this description. Please do not call me because I have already received over fifty thousand calls and my phone line is jammed.

The Grey Poupon Mustard and Docker Pants Companies are expected to merge: They will become known as Poupon Pants.

I could give up eating chocolate, but I don't want to be a quitter.

The longest place name still in use is: Taumatawhakatangihangaoauauotameteaturipukakapikimaungahoronukupokaiwhenuakitanatahu--a New Zealand hill.

Did you know that an ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain?

Say lettuce and spell cup.

Did you know that half the people you meet are below average?

The world's shortest fairy tale:
Once upon a time, a man asked a girl, "Will you marry me?" The girl said, "No". And, the man lived happily ever after.
The End

This Is Your Lucky Day!